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قديم 19-01-2010, 12:06 AM   #1
Pluie
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Diaries Of A Young Widow




 

 

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قديم 19-01-2010, 12:11 AM   #2
Pluie
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As the title Implies, This corner here will be dedicated to the diaries of a young widow, Which I'll post frequently Insha'Allah. Reviews and critiques are greatly appreciated.


( 1 )



I was faced today with the bluntness of a 6 year old. Nothing. NOTHING is ever as frightening as the curiosity of a fearless child . He left me when I was drowning in my thoughts of you , and it took me what felt like a lifetime to fall back into reality and realize that he's gone . I got up and looked for him in the living room, but the more I searched for him the more my heart froze.
Somehow I knew where he had gone and what sacred possession he had stumbled upon. I can tell you now that the walk between where I stood and my bedroom was the longest I'd ever taken. It was the walk of a woman driven to meet her end.


I found him holding the coffin of my dreams.


He asked me whose wedding dress it was. "Mine" I said, knowing exactly what
he was going to ask next and fearing it the most ." Are you going to get married auntie ? " he asked , unknowingly sinking my heart in lakes of sorrow and weakening my knees. "No .. No.. I'm not. " I managed to say . " I ..Was.. But he ..Died in a car accident ." and with those words I muttered darkness surrounded me ; It was finally an invitation to collapse and
a permission to cry my heart out.

He walked towards me and for the first time since the day I lost you, a person looked me in the eye and asked " Do you miss him ? " and for the first time since the day I lost you I could not help smiling .
" More than you'll ever know , "I said " and more than I can handle...... "


.......



My family and friends think that I should've moved on along time ago . They don't like the fact that I've become a different person in their presence , that I don't talk or laugh as much as I used to . sometimes I just sit there in silence as they chatter about insignificant things around me .
I think it's my way of punishing them because the moment you were buried , it was as if you'd never existed . They stopped mentioning your name before me , and if they do it's a slip of a tongue that's followed by an apology . No one has ever asked me how I feel , what you were like or what you mean to me . They might be doing what they're doing because they don't want to upset me . But what they don't get is that talking about you is the only thing that comforts my soul ,and the way they decided to erase you from my life is what's slowly building up uncontrollable rage within me.




.......




 

 


اخر تعديل كان بواسطة » Pluie في يوم » 19-01-2010 عند الساعة » 12:26 AM.
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قديم 19-01-2010, 11:24 AM   #3
Philanthropist
خبير اقلاعي
 
الصورة الرمزية الخاصة بـ Philanthropist
Philanthropist واجدين الي يمدحونه عساه يصمل
Nice.
Transparent and delicately pure feelings. Nobody will ever understand the true feelings of loss a widow will have...It's simply undescribable.

Although I'm quite curious to read and know the feelings of a widower...

Can't wait to read more of this !



 

 

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قديم 19-01-2010, 05:40 PM   #4
splendid
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الصورة الرمزية الخاصة بـ splendid
splendid السمعة فوق الوصفsplendid السمعة فوق الوصفsplendid السمعة فوق الوصفsplendid السمعة فوق الوصفsplendid السمعة فوق الوصفsplendid السمعة فوق الوصفsplendid السمعة فوق الوصفsplendid السمعة فوق الوصفsplendid السمعة فوق الوصفsplendid السمعة فوق الوصفsplendid السمعة فوق الوصف
Sadness is normal
Depression is normal
Ppl should allow their selves to feel the emptiness and to mourn the lost moments! to cry and to rage against the world . Sometimes it’s the only way to get back on track .
Loved it

Keep um comin’ !



 

 

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قديم 19-01-2010, 06:39 PM   #5
Trouple Maker
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الصورة الرمزية الخاصة بـ Trouple Maker
Trouple Maker تقييمه فيه تقدم
I found him holding the coffin of my dreams.


O m g
i like it so much
Continue to do it



 

 

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قديم 20-01-2010, 12:56 AM   #6
Pluie
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(2)





It's complicatedly ironic how the things I used to hate about you most have become the things I crave more than anything now that you're gone .

Today, as I stepped into a cafe on my way to work, it was there . Your uniquely bad smell. Remember? I used to joke about it and say " you know I love you but if you don't change that nauseating cologne , I'm gonna have to find another man to marry! " and you would act all proud , raise one eye-brow and say "oh ,you know you love it! " You were right, I did .I just didn't know it at the time.

I stood petrified as a knife of unbearable pain was twisting in my heart . Then I ran out of the cafe as fast as I could despite the chuckles of strangers amused by the the sight of the running abaya. When I got into the car, I allowed myself to sob. Francis, my poor driver, doesn’t ask me or even flinch anymore. The moment I start crying , he rolls the windows up and stares at the road ahead like the lunatic in the backseat doesn’t exist.

I got your box out of the closet and grabbed your hideous gray shirt. Yes, the same shirt I begged you to give to the homeless has become my security blanket . I held it in my arms and spent the day in bed rocking my self to sleep .

A while after I woke up, I turned the TV on . I have found that the best medicine for a pre-occupied mind is Television. It simply disables my mind. I was flipping through channels indifferently when I caught a glimpse of something that grasped my attention . I recognized the terribly cheesy song.

It was your favorite.

" WHAT THE HELL !!!!? "


I couldn't believe that a day could seriously be this bad . I laughed hysterically until I was completely out of breath.

" Oh God.. I think I've lost it …"

Here comes the flash back …


It was the week before our wedding and we were having our usual phone session , when jokingly , I asked you if you've gotten cold feet now that the wedding is near.
" That's to be decided by a few questions. " you teased , and willingly , I played along in your questioning game . Then it was my turn to ask anything I wished to know . I don't know how I still manage to preserve that conversation so vividly in my memory. .


" Tell me something I don't know about you , and no one else does ? "

"I thought you'd never ask ! I'll be right back ."
" okay ! so, what have you to say about Elvis presely ?" you asked .

" I would rather listen to Sarah whine all day ( which I’m pretty sure is the voice of hell ) than listen to him . I quite detest the man and his music to be honest. " I laughed.

(I hadn't recalled that he was your favourite musician of all time .Stupid mistake! You'd think now that you've been gone long enough , it's become funny . Not really , no . It's still embarrassing.)


"I see ! wow ... well , He's my favourite singer, I thought I'd mentioned that. Actually he's the reason I learnt to play the guitar . Lucky for you , love , you're marrying us . me and him , so better buckle up! " you said , laughingly , and began to play .

Your voice was heavenly melodic , your tone sincere and you shattered my existence with every word.


Love me tender,
Love me long,
Take me to your heart.
For it's there that I belong,
And we'll never part.


You finished the song on those lines , and you being the proud person you were , I'm sure you anticipated my applause or my speechlessness but all you got instead was a cry .

"What ? What are you doing ? Are you crying ? "

“Pfffffft ! No! " I said as I let out another cry.

" What's wrong ? It's not your period again ,is it ? it was only a week ago ! "


"Shut up! It’s not that! It’s just ..I've never been this . I mean..You’re perfect. and I'm just .. Me.. I don't deserve you, I really don't . Oh God ! Listen to me! You even turned me into one of those corny overly-emotional women I always mock but you did it in such a way that I don't hate you for it ! "

You started laughing and nothing could stop you but the sound of a louder cry .

"Hey! Babe, I'm not a perfect person, neither are you. Actually, I’m almost too flawed to function. You have lots of issues too, I’m sure. We just don’t mind these things because we're perfect for each other. We have love to over-look anything else. And if it’s a matter of who deserves what, Allah knows us both and he's chosen us for each other .So I see no reason for us to think it over and doubt it . Besides! I don't know why you can't see how amazing you are? You only see everyone else's goodness, but never your own."

You always knew the right thing to say. I never did. So I kept silent.


" Now be quiet and listen to your awesome husband play another song for you! "

" Well , technically speaking , you're my fiancé . I'm sure you're still awesome though!"

"Minor technicalities, baby. minor technicalities!"






That was our last conversation, and I wouldn't change it if I could.








 

 


اخر تعديل كان بواسطة » Pluie في يوم » 20-01-2010 عند الساعة » 01:03 AM.
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قديم 30-01-2010, 03:58 PM   #7
Oriental Sense
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الصورة الرمزية الخاصة بـ Oriental Sense
Oriental Sense فوق  هام السحبOriental Sense فوق  هام السحبOriental Sense فوق  هام السحبOriental Sense فوق  هام السحبOriental Sense فوق  هام السحبOriental Sense فوق  هام السحبOriental Sense فوق  هام السحبOriental Sense فوق  هام السحبOriental Sense فوق  هام السحبOriental Sense فوق  هام السحبOriental Sense فوق  هام السحب

Masha' Allah
Thanks a lot for your nice series.
The sensibility in your writing is unique and the influence of romantic novels on you is very clear…you seem like a good reader…
Looking forward to more of your gems
.




 

 


اخر تعديل كان بواسطة » Oriental Sense في يوم » 30-01-2010 عند الساعة » 10:17 PM.
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قديم 30-01-2010, 05:28 PM   #8
فجأة !
عضو مقلع
 
الصورة الرمزية الخاصة بـ فجأة !
فجأة ! تقييمه فيه تقدم
FASCINATING ma'sha'Allah
u have an irresistible writing style. It kept me wondering if the diaries are realistic or imaginary. I came here just out of curiosity , and I didn't decide to read the whole diaries , but I couldn't stop reading , then I demanded more , much more

so I'm waiting



 

 


اخر تعديل كان بواسطة » فجأة ! في يوم » 30-01-2010 عند الساعة » 05:29 PM.
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قديم 30-01-2010, 06:33 PM   #9
Pluie
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[3]


Someone nudges me gently and I resist with many grunts, then give in as I feel them walking away.

I open my eyes. I’m in the middle of nowhere. Surrounded by what seems like fog. I could hear my heart pounding.
How did I get here?

Footsteps... I hear footsteps and joyfully, I run towards them.. Until the fog lessen and I see it... a figure of a man

Hello? Hello? wait ! PLEASE ….STOP!
He keeps walking forward and I sheepishly follow. I beg and I shout at him but it’s as though he is in another dimension. So I follow desperately..
Then suddenly, the fog clears and I notice my feet.. bare and blistered . We’re on top of a mountain and he’s walking towards a …

A CLIFF!! STOP!!

he turns to me and I die a hundred times..
Fahad?” I whisper ..
Why can’t I feel my feet? Why can’t I walk?

His lips move but I can’t hear what he’s saying..
WHAT ??

After he lifts his hand to his heart and smiles, he heads for the cliff's edge.
NO!!! STOP!! DON’T JUMP .. PLEASE I BEG YOU PLEASE PLEASE!
I cry and plea in vain; He doesn’t stop . I want to walk to him and stop him but I can’t..

so very helpless..
so. very. helpless..

He jumps and I can feel my feet again…
I run only to see him falling so peacefully till he lands on his face .. blood everywhere..

I stare in disbelief until it sinks in , then fall to my knees and scream my heart out.

wake up sweetheart! It’s not real.Breathe , breathe.. It’ll be okay.

she strokes my hair and lies next to me all night.







Whatever happened to dreaming of rainbows, fairies and faraway lands?!





\\




I feel sorry for mom. She hasn’t had a good night's sleep ever since she approached me about some guy’s proposal. I think having a child like me – clinically insane, that is- might be her ticket into heaven.

It’s been 9 months and I feel better. I smile now whenever I remember him. I don’t cry as much. And I started using my camera again, which is wonderful. But I’m just not ready for what she wants, what everyone wants of me. I don’t want to be with another man.. I don’t know if I’ll ever want to. Besides, who would want someone like me? Someone damaged beyond repair?

Exactly. No one.






 

 


اخر تعديل كان بواسطة » Pluie في يوم » 30-01-2010 عند الساعة » 08:35 PM.
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قديم 30-01-2010, 06:43 PM   #10
Pluie
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Thank you everyone for your overwhelmingly kind words



 

 

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